Cure for hangovers

Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol.

- BEN TROVATO CUT&RUN

Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying things like "Can I get you another?" that led to all the trouble in the first place.

They would have us believe that the first step towards avoiding a hangover lies in limiting the amount you drink. This is a lie. Your weight, metabolism, liver health and body chemistry all play a minor role in how much you can drink.

The main factor that dictates consumption levels is your emotional state. If you are in a good mood, you may find nine beers, three tequila shooters and a double Irish coffee to be an elegant sufficiency. However, if you are feeling downhearted, you could easily consume 15 beers, 10 shots, five double vodkas and f*** the Irish.

Depressed people drink more than happy people. This suggests the so-called experts who tell us alcohol is a depressant are lying through their filthy teeth.

Depressed people are not stupid. A pain in the ass, yes. But not stupid. Why would they slump over the bar with tears in their bloodshot eyes, telling the barman how miserable they are, only for him to say "Jammer om van jou kak to hoor. Can I get you another depressant?"

Causes

Some doctors will tell you that hangovers are caused by dehydration. This is like saying floods cause drought and I, for one, would sign any petition that calls for these charlatans to be struck off the roll.

Dehydration is caused when the bartender ignores you because he is too busy catching bottles behind his back and flirting with underaged girls.