I lost a baby live on air - I need more than a certificate

The first time I miscarried, I was on holiday in Dubai.

- MYLEENE KLASS

I was laid out on a hospital bed, my small bump covered in jelly as the nurse passed the ultrasound wand back and forth. In the Middle East, the screens are huge like a cinema. Instead of seeing the image any hopeful mother wishes to see, I saw my baby floating in the darkness, limp and lifeless.

I clutched my friend Katie's hand and wept. It was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed.

But then I went on to lose three more one, while at a dinner party. I lost another while on the loo - and faced the excruciating dilemma of what to do with my baby's remains. Do I... flush? Do I try to lift their remains out of the water? Questions no woman should ever have to ask herself.

My most recent miscarriage happened while I was live on air. I knew what was happening to my body, but I had to continue until my radio show was over. And, in a way, I didn't want it to be, as that would mean facing the reality of another monumental loss.

A friend who I had called in between tracks urged me to go home - but what was I going home to? I knew I'd not only have to cope with my own grief and confusion, but also that of my partner, our parents and our children, who had excitedly awaited the arrival of their new brother or sister just as much as we did. It felt like I could suspend their magic for a little longer.

And that is a big part of baby loss that not many people consider, or talk about.

When I first worked on my documentary, Myleene: Miscarriage and Me, it was considered revolutionary to get my entire family involved. But to me, it made perfect sense. Yes, the miscarriage happened to me and to my body, but its impact was far-reaching.

The pain and the gravity of the loss weren't just felt by me.

It was also during the filming process that I learned that my auntie, who has always treated me like a daughter, suffered a miscarriage when she was younger. She had never opened up about it until that point.