Celebrating Christmas, despite losing someone dear

It is hard, but grieving is a form of learning that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it

- Jill Lim

A few months back, if you had asked me how I wanted to celebrate Christmas, my answer would have been: "Not at home."

I thought seriously about all of us going away out of Singapore for the season. This would have been a huge change for my family as we have always been home at Christmastime.

The reason: My mother died of a heart condition in January. She had had a heart issue for some 14 years and we could see the signs of heart failure - breathlessness, swollen feet, general discomfort - appearing more often in recent years.

Despite this, she remained lively, alert, active within her physical limitations and, above all, full of positive energy - still reading, discussing TV shows and sending out long posts, jokes, brain-teasers and links to her favourite songs to family and friends on WhatsApp.

But one night, she became seriously unwell and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance. After that, the end came quickly. Taking the night she was admitted as day one, she was gone by the early morning of day 11.

In between those two dates, she was well enough to be discharged one evening and we had a cake and a party that night to celebrate. That return home, however, lasted about 28 hours. The following night, her blood pressure dropped. She was rushed back to hospital and never came home again.

Several milestones in the year passed without her: Chinese New Year, a couple of birthdays and what would have been my parents' 58th wedding anniversary. We - my dad, my husband, my sister and our children - spoke often and openly about her: "Gosh, mum would have been the first one queueing to...", or: "Mama would be so pleased that you're using her beautiful silver rings."

Still, the thought of Christmas felt a little different.