How I 'killed' the poison and exited a toxic marriage

She loved her alcoholic husband but was abused by him. The writer says her experience holds lessons for others.

- Josephine Chia

The declaration of love can sometimes disguise untold evil. I have learned it the hard way. Now in my 70s, I have the courage to finally speak out. Not out of revenge or self-promotion, but to light the way for others who may be going through what I went through in my late 40s. An abusive marriage.

Why did I put up with it for as long as I did? Are there others like me, fooling themselves into thinking that they are the ones who could be at fault or that their abusive spouse will, somehow, change? Are they only prolonging their suffering?

It is to such people that my latest memoir, Ayam Buah Keluak And The Art of Writing, is addressed.

You see, the buah keluak nut contains cyanide. But what efficient cooks do is to remove this poison so that the nut becomes edible and can be used to prepare quintessential Peranakan dishes. And this is what my abusive marriage taught me: You don't have to die from other people's poison. You can get rid of it and move on with your life.

I wish someone had reached out to me and told me not to suffer abuse for as long as I did.

Here I must stress that abuse can come in many forms and it is not only physical. When someone lashes out at you, using words to belittle you, to badger you into submission, to make you feel worthless, this is abuse at a more subtle level. And sometimes such abuse can be more lethal than physical abuse. This toxicity can strip away your self-confidence, corrode your sense of self-identity and generate fear. It can sap you of your power to act.

But that is exactly what you should do. You have to act! You have to remove yourself from the poison that's leaching into you, from your abuser.

A MARRIAGE GONE WRONG

I first got married when I was quite young. I was 17 when I met my boyfriend and he was 19. We had two sons, but were incompatible and parted ways. But it is my second marriage that I want to talk about.