Qatar is a tour de farce in the world of football

The World Cup is starting and already it’s ruined – because Qatar is the most stupid, unsuitable place in the world for a football tournament.

- MARK STEEL

If FIFA were in charge of the world sword-fighting championships, they’d arrange for it to happen in an airship.

It would be ripped to shreds in the opening match between Uruguay and Switzerland so everyone would plummet to the ground and die.

But they’d go on to announce it was a huge success because they attracted record sponsorship.

Then they’d award the Winter Olympics to Norfolk. The bobsleigh race would be a draw as all the teams would sit in their bob, wait five years in a flat mustard field and get out again.

Then they’d award the Eurovision Song Contest to a Trappist monastery.

So the tournament is being held in November, rather than the summer – as it always has been – because summer in Qatar is a billion degrees.