A half-baked publicity stunt

‘The Last Timbit’ is just a 75-minute commercial

- JOSHUA CHONG

Dear Tim Hortons, Here’s a bit of free advice: stay far away from musical theatre. Please.

I’m begging you.

You’ve pulled off some infamous publicity stunts in recent years, from your “TimBiebs” collaboration with Justin Bieber to a boatthru pop-up on Lake Scugog. Oh, how about that recent pivot to flatbread “pizza” products?

But I have to say, your first foray into theatre may take the (birthday) cake (timbit) as your worst publicity stunt ever.

How do I begin to describe “The Last Timbit,” your 75-minute commercial advertisement masquerading as a musical?

It’s more sickly sweet than your Canadian maple doughnut, and more greasy and cheesy than your grilled cheese melt. And its mawkish sentimentality that, I think, was supposed to move me to tears, left me colder than a frozen iced cappuccino on a sweltering summer’s day.

Your brand has been all about innovations, but I’m afraid your latest — let’s call it the-ad-there — is nothing more than a painful dud. At worst, I have grave concerns about what this new form of corporate meddling in the arts means for this country’s precarious theatre sector itself. And I’m already dreading the day we have a new Loblaws musical or, worse, one with Air Canada as its title producer.