How To Argue (Without Wrecking Your Relationship)

Relationship expert and neuropsychotherapist Joanne Wilson explains how to fight fairly

- Amber Bramble

The “complaint sandwich” is a basic structure for your feedback (or criticism, complaint, gripe, etc) that will not only make it easier for the receiver to listen to, but is much more likely to inspire change. At the very least, it shouldn’t explode in your face!

The biggest problem with receiving feedback in any area of our lives is feeling attacked. With the complaint sandwich, the meat of the problem is wedged between two positive comments, putting a structure around the complaint. This makes it feel less like a personal assault and more like, well, feedback. You start with something you appreciate about the situation or person and end with reassurance to calm both of your stress responses.

Now, if you’re thinking to yourself, great, next time he leaves the toilet seat up I’ll just say, “Ben, you’re a wonderful father, but if you leave the lid up again I will leave you, and beforehand burn everything you own. I really like what you’ve done with your beard,” then I have some sad news.

Yes, the complaint sandwich will make it easier to swallow, but no, you can’t just say whatever you want in the middle. That would be like biting into a sandwich and finding a cockroach. It’s still technically a sandwich, but you won’t be terribly happy about it.