Understanding Apologies

How to say you’re sorry – and mean it

- Hani Du Toit

Why is it that we dread having to apologise? When we know we’ve messed up or made a mistake, why do we avoid confessing and saying we’re sorry? We cover up, we blame, we brush it aside – but we don’t use effective communication. We may even go so far as an “I’m sorry” then follow it with a fatal “But…”

Now let’s be clear: we all know someone who apologises at every turn – for the weather, for your cold coffee, for the fact that you’re having a bad day or that the traffic was horrible, as usual. We’re not talking about unnecessary, excessive, meaningless apologies. There’s no personal power in that.

This is about an apology that’s owed: for wasting someone’s time; for breaking a promise; for discovering you were wrong about something you insisted you were right about; for being unnecessarily irritable or snappy; for taking advantage of someone; for realising you were condescending; for hurting them… There’s an endless list of reasons we owe an apology.

According blame

If you’ve ever waited for a decent apology, you’ve probably made up loads of reasons why you haven’t received one:

• He’s too cocky; too arrogant to say sorry.

• She’s too ashamed or embarrassed.

• She thinks it’s beneath her to apologise.