I Couldn't Control My Anger

Memory loss, rage, even violence – Rhian Ivory shares the horror that plagued her every month…

- Rhian Ivory

The spells of forgetfulness started in my late teens. I’d find myself unable to remember where I’d parked my car, or get appointments mixed up.

Worse still, I began experiencing episodes of burning rage, turning into a monster who would say unforgivable things to friends or family. And until I was reminded, I’d have virtually no recollection. It was as if I’d been blind drunk – except I hadn’t been drinking.

Each time, the horror of finding out what I’d said or done was gut-wrenching. Not surprisingly, these bouts of amnesia were terrifying. Not for many years did I discover I’d been overcome by my hormones.

People often dismiss premenstrual tension as ‘women’s problems’, the time of the month when women’s emotions are out of control. But since the age of 15, my life has been overshadowed by one week every month when my personality undergoes a transformation.

Take recently, when I noticed our new and expensive kitchen bin had a dent in it. For a second, I thought, ‘What have the kids done?’ then, with horror, I remembered it was me – I’d smashed the bin. I was overcome with shame.

Finally, last year, aged 41, I was diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is thought to affect between three and eight per cent of women.

It causes extreme emotional and physical symptoms, including violent mood swings, sleep problems and suicidal feelings. Although it’s a hormone disorder, it’s also been categorised as a mental health problem, too.

While many women complain of feeling sad and irritable for one week a month, they’re mostly suffering from the milder PMS (premenstrual syndrome). PMDD is different. You can’t ease it with chocolate, a paracetamol and a hot water bottle. And you definitely can’t laugh about it.

Physical pain