IT'S A DEFENDER JIM...

...but not as we know it. Is the Grenadier, Sir Jim Ratcliffe's new old Defender, the best 4x4 by far? Land Rover and Ford beg to differ

- Ben Miller

ABSOLUTE OBJECTIVITY. A SPOTLESS critical faculty unsullied by preconceptions. Walls of the mind, sky-high and solidly built, against which bias splatters like so much rotten fruit. This is the Zen-like state in which our crack (I said "crack") team begins each and every test. Ruthlessly cultivated with ice baths, weeks of lonely meditation high on Fenland mountainsides and long walks in wildernesses without Wi-Fi, it is the way. We owe it to the cars. We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to you.

Except that we are into cars, so that is not quite how it works. Instead, like a cow's hard-working stomachs, our minds have likely already absorbed hundreds of hours of press material, previous content, and off-the-record discussions before we get anywhere near the machines in question.

And so, ahead of this contest, I have decided the Grenadier will drive like an old Defender, making it of minimal interest to anyone without a rural veterinary business. The Ranger pick-up will put up a good fight before falling back, hamstrung by the lack of luxury conferred by its price point and humble leaf-sprung underpinnings. And the Defender will, with a couple of mostly price-related caveats, romp to victory. Simple.

Except that as we get into it, thundering along sun-scorched roads and lurching into the rocky, unkempt, and firmly tarmac-free heart of the Peak District, the original hypothesis starts merrily springing leaks like an MoT-fail submarine. The Ranger plain refuses to drop out of contention, over-performing like a Haas podium lock-out, and the Grenadier turns out to be one of the most charismatic cars we have driven all year. Time for that ice bath...