NOTICE OF SECURITY INCIDENT

By now you are aware that you are the victim of a data breach.

- JAY KATSIR

Dear Data-Breach Victim:

You assumed as much, because the only mail you receive amounts to notices of data breaches, medical bills, and solicitations to donate to a good cause (maybe with a little graphic of a snowflake or a hopeful puppy or a gallbladder around the address window), whose senders will eventually contact you about a data breach. Your mail also sometimes contains postcards from your mother, who is certainly the victim of a data breach. She probably just gave her data away after clicking on a sponsored Google result that said “Real Rapid Passport Renewal Easy Online.”

Please know that we take your privacy very seriously. In fact, that seriousness is why you have no idea who we are or why we have your data. But rest assured: when we purchased your data, we placed it under maximum encryption, separating your home address from MRI images of your most vulnerable bones. Regrettably, an incident occurred involving the part of our network that stores digital replicas of your nude abdomen after you’ve eaten beef pad Thai.

This notice describes the data breach incident, the steps we have taken in response, and what you can do next.

What Happened?