'Are we dating the same guy?'

Experts question wisdom of using Facebook groups to screen romantic partners for red flags

- SARAH LAING

Let’s say you’re seeing a guy called Dan who you met on a dating app. You’ve been seeing each other for a few months and it seems to be going well — but you don’t feel like you know enough about him. Is he too good to be true?

In the era of the Tindler Swindler and Reesa Teesa’s “Who the Eff Did I Marry?” TikTok series, it can be hard not to wonder if the person you’re dating has some kind of double life that involves two other families, a bonus passport and a shock Netflix bio-doc in pre-production.

Because this is 2024, you can turn to the internet to solve a problem it created. Specifically, find your local “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group and attempt to allay your fears — or have your suspicions confirmed.

There are hundreds of such groups; if you live in a larger city, chances are there is one. They operate like this: a woman posts about a guy she’s dating or thinking about dating to ask if anyone in the group knows anything about him. Sometimes the posts are about a guy she’s dated in the past, as a way to warn other women, like, this guy ghosted me, this guy is toxic, this guy is a predator.

It’s the digital version of warning your friend about a guy you’ve heard is a creep, or meeting someone at a party and canvassing acquaintancesto see what they know. The 69,000-member-strong Toronto/Mississauga group states that its purpose is “protecting and empowering women. Not judging men.” (Yes, “Are we dating the same woman?” groups exist too.)

The Facebook groups often have rules. They are private, and members are forbidden from screenshotting or sharing information that’s posted, including with a man who is mentioned.

In fact, you risk being banned from the entire network of groups if you even speak of a post’s existence.