"Help! I'm being eaten up by envy!"

We all measure ourselves against others, but it hurts to feel like we’re always falling short. Here, how to turn comparison into self-compassion

ID your feelings Ditch self-blame 

It’s important to acknowledge envy because we tend to work so hard to hide it, reveals expert Sara Protasi, Ph.D. “It’s such a stigmatized emotion, but it’s perfectly normal and can even help us succeed,” she says, explaining that “benign envy” spurs us to emulate those we admire. “We tend to envy people who are similar to us— typically, there isn’t a big achievement gap, which shows we can accomplish something similar. Envy can help us grow.”

Focus on why

Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what exactly is making us envious, says expert Liz Fosslien, revealing a time she coveted a friend's promotion. "I realized it wasn't her job I envied, but that she was advancing in life, while I felt stagnant. Sometimes it's not what the person has, but what it symbolizes." When envy flares up, that means you have deeper unmet needs, so Fosslien advises naming your top values-like family or financial stability to better identify those needs and help you refocus on them.

Try a positive 'reframe'