‘I struggled to get over killing my classmate, but now I've found the strength to help others'

Lis Cashin, 50, was 13 years old when she killed a friend in a tragic sports day accident. She tells new how she has finally come to terms with what happened and how she’s passionate about helping other survivors of trauma

Opening my eyes, I felt a rush of excitement. It was Sports Day in July 1983 at my all-girls grammar school in the north-west of England and I’d been selected to take part in a few events, including the javelin. My home life was difficult so doing well in sport gave my self-esteem the boost I needed.

After lunch, Sports Day began. I hadn’t won a medal in my other events so as I walked over to the javelin I was nervous but determined to do well.

I waited until I was called then ran up and threw my javelin as hard as I could. It went straight ahead, but at the last moment veered to the right. Sammy had volunteered to mark and was standing next to the lines, not looking up. I had a moment of panic and we all screamed, “Sammy!” and she seemed to react. There was a brief moment of thinking, “Thank God, she’s seen it.” But that was followed by horror when it hit her above the left eye and she stumbled forward. There was a lot of blood.

I collapsed on to my knees. I couldn’t take it in, it was so horrific. My overwhelming emotion was to run and call the ambulance, but I just ran around in circles from the shock.

The school phoned my mum. They told her there had been an accident but I wasn’t hurt and it didn’t look serious for Sammy. They put me on the phone but I was so shocked I couldn’t speak. Mum knew something was up so she arranged to come home from work while the deputy head drove me home to where my stepdad was. When my mum got home she found me shaking violently in my bed.

“I want to go to the hospital,” I told her. I wanted to tell Sammy I was sorry. I thought I’d blinded her.