'What If I Smothered Him?'

You may have heard about obsessive-compulsive disorder but what about postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder? Read about one mum’s journey on coping with this challenging disorder

- Christel Geralyn Gomes

A mother’s job, from the moment she delivers, is to protect, love and nurture her child. This impulse is a biological one. But what happens when you realise that the biggest threat to your child’s safety, might be yourself? Second-time mum Chelsea Elker went through hell and back in her struggle with postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety – this is her story.

A “Malfunction” of the Mind

Chelsea Elker’s OCD centered on the fear of harming her baby, on purpose. She describes it as a “malfunction” of her mind, causing her to be unable to stop repetitive thoughts and obsessions.

The first scary thought Chelsea remembers having was when she was nursing baby Easton at about three weeks old. “This thought popped into my head, ‘What if I smothered him?’ I felt the thought. That feeling was anxiety, I wouldn’t have done it, but it felt like an urge, meaning I potentially could.”

“The thought scared me so bad that I couldn’t let it go. It was like the person that I had spent the previous 27 years being was suddenly put into question. Could I hurt him? Would I smother him? Do I want to? These were my endless thoughts. Over time, it branched out into fear of hurting him in other ways too. I eventually avoided knives, bathtubs, and being alone. You name it, I feared it. Any tool was a weapon; any negative thought was a motive,” she says.