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Nessie strikes again
DAD AND LAD GET BUMPED BY BEAST

DO NOT BARBIE
Electrocution warning

SNOOP DODGES SKINNY JEANS..
Rapper fears pants a trap

50 KIDS KILLED IN LEBANON
Death toll rises to 558

Punch lights out
PUNCH and Judy shows are on the verge of \"extinction\".

THIS SPICY FEUD WILL BLOW US AWAY
Prem title fight's hotting up... and that's just way we like it

BE CALM DARWIN
Van Dijk tells Nunez how to be a success

DON'T DROP ME NOW
Niall has old Chelsea blues

FATEFUL EIGHT
Bloomfield aims to fix his blitzed cup dream

SUPER DAN IS MAN ON A MISSION
DANIEL DUBOIS has been tipped for superstardom after silencing his doubters with his brutal destruction of Anthony Joshua.

DUSTROYED 'N DELUDED
There's no coming back from this, AJ

RETIRE? I'M IN NO RASH
Oldest spinner in town still chasing records

Selfish son hates me helping his ex
SAYS I'M NOT ON HIS SIDE

Last stand for Trump
MANBABY: WIN OR BUST

Magic mushrooms cure body worries'
PSYCHEDELIC DRUG KEY TO NEW VISION

YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS.. ATISH-YOU!
Forces sniffle ban is lifted

STIFF UPPER BRIT
'We still don't talk about our worries'

'PIG' SAYS SOZ OVER 150 MAFIA MURDERS
Lad's body dissolved in acid

LETTUCE LIZ IS TALKING RHUBARB!
Useless ex-PM claims she would've saved economy

BOFF: ALIENS PROTECT US
ETs keeping watch on nukes

They sink..it's all over - FLOODS WASH AWAY SUMMER
SUMMER is well and truly over - after a month's worth of rain fell in 24 hours.

INBETWEENOS!
Comedy stars no longer fwends so reunion off table

Kung-fu frightening
PEP GETS REALITY CHECK AFTER RODRI NIGHTMARE

SMILES BETTER
Norris streets ahead to leave Max in his dust

Practical jokes
BRITS SAVE CASH WITH TRIBUTE COMEDY ACTS

I'm gurna be champ 30 times
TOP FACE-PULLER'S RECORD-BREAKING VOW

Give bots a break!
CLEGG SAYS 'LOVE A.I'

POINTLESS RICH HAS NO KILLER INSTINCT
He could never join murder club

PLAY FIFA AND STOP SCORING
Goal-addict gamers can flop in bed

Cannabis clinics are flying high
DEMAND NOW SOARING