The baby I lost HAUNTED ME

Stacey Dukes, 31, was excited to be a mum, until dark thoughts crept in

- ANNA MATHESON, JULIA SIDWELL

Settling onto the sofa with a cup of tea, I smiled, thinking I’d have a few minutes to myself while my nine-week old daughter, Ava, was asleep in her bassinet beside me.

Yet as I flicked on the TV, the shrill sound of a baby crying made me sit bolt upright. ‘It’s OK, sweetheart,’ I cooed, leaning over to comfort Ava, only she was sound asleep.

I could still hear wailing, though, and it sounded right next to me. ‘Who is that?’ I asked the disembodied cries, but no sooner had I said it, I knew the answer. ‘It’s the baby I lost,’ I thought, flooded with painful memories of the miscarriage I’d had nine years earlier in 2007.

I knew that was a crazy notion, but couldn’t stop panicked tears overwhelming me and as I gasped for air between sobs, I accidentally woke Ava. Cuddling her helped calm me, and as I got my breath back, I told myself I was just overtired and turned the TV up to drown out the phantom cries and my fears that something was very wrong.

I’d always wanted to be a mum, so when I fell pregnant at 19, I was more excited than nervous. But a miscarriage at eight weeks left me heartbroken, and while my job as a student children’s nurse provided a distraction, the pain of what I’d lost never faded. Sometimes, seeing a pregnant woman or newborn would fill me with a profound sadness.

When I met Sean, 25, online in October 2015, I told him how I ached for a baby, so even though it was fast, we started trying, and by March 2016 I was pregnant. ‘It’s the best news,’ he laughed as we shed happy tears.

I moved into Sean’s house in Manchester and at my 16-week scan found out we were expecting a girl. As my bump grew, I’d sometimes feel anxious something would go wrong again, and felt low at times – but I blamed the hormones.