How Safe Is She Really?

In the wake of the Stella schoolgirl killings we ask experts how parents can spot telltale signs their teen is in a toxic relationship

- Gabisile Ngcobo

UNTIL the unthinkable happened, her father had no reason to be suspicious of his daughter’s boyfriend.

Xander Bylsma was pleasant to have around, polite and friendly, and seemed to worship the ground his pretty girlfriend, Sharnelle Hough, walked on.

“He was always so nice when he visited us,” her grieving dad, Ronnie, says.

“He practically worshipped Sharnelle. But afterwards I started hearing stories of how things were when they were alone.”

The tragic story is now all too well known: Xander (19) has been charged with murdering ex-girlfriend Sharnelle (17) and her best friend, Marna Engelbrecht (16), in the girls’ hostel of the local high school in Stella, a small town in North West.

Police say Xander confessed to the killings, and in the aftermath of the horror, tales started emerging of how controlling he was.

“He wanted to know where she was all the time,” Sharnelle’s cousin Linmari told us (YOU, 14 June). “He was obsessed with her – that’s why she left him.”

The shocking case raises a few serious questions. How can parents teach their teenage daughters to be aware of warning signs in a relationship? What are the red flags that a romance is turning toxic – and what can you do about it without alienating your child?

We asked experts.

Forewarned is forearmed

Prevention is definitely better than cure, says Marlize Heppell, a clinical psychologist based in Klerksdorp, North West.

“If you raise your daughter with the necessary knowledge to identify potentially dangerous partners, this will have a more profound effect than trying to point out the red flags once she’s in a relationship.”