Has Equality Killed Your Sex Life?

Has the blurring of gender roles left your libido languishing? BRIDGET HARRISON explores why this should be so – and how to fix it.

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When I recently wrote a newspaper article admitting that although I’m happily married, my sex life wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders, it clearly struck a chord. ‘Know exactly what you’re talking about!’ women told me in texts and conspiratorial whispers at work.

It confirmed what I’d suspected – that we’re not having as much sex as we’d like. Indeed, a recent study in the British Top Sante magazine found that over a quarter of women in a relationship have sex just once every two or three months.

Many women who report lacklustre sex lives are satisfied by their relationships in every other way, though. They have textbook modern marriages where both partners have careers, where decisions and chores are shared. In fact, the average man of the house in the UK has increased the amount of time he spends on domestic duties by more than 60 per cent over the past 30 years, according to Oxford University research.

But is this parity of roles the very thing leading to less sex? As men and women have become more alike – with the same career pressures, dividing the chores and treating each other as equals – are we losing the differences that spark excitement between the sheets?

LA-based psychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb, thinks so. ‘The very qualities that lead to great emotional satisfaction in marriages may have an unexpectedly negative impact on couples’ sex lives,’ she says. ‘As couples have become gender neutral, they’ve become gender neutered.’

Best friends? 

Recent research contradicts the commonly held belief that as marriages improve by becoming more equal, the sex improves too.