Being a surrogate left me TRAUMATISED

One woman shares her story of carrying a baby for a couple she barely knew

- KATE GRAHAM

It was a simple request. ‘Can my cousin be in the birth-plan meeting, as I want her with me during labour?’ I typed into WhatsApp in August 2018. Claire’s* reply was a shock. ‘I’m not comfortable with that.’

Then the accusations began: I’d been unreasonable asking her husband not to be in the birth room; I’d had everything my own way. Then the final blow: Claire told me she – not me – would be the most vulnerable person in the birthing room.

I could feel panic rising. In just five weeks, I was going to have Claire’s baby – something I’d embarked on to do something good. How had it come to this?

My relationship with Claire began in 2015 – my cousin, Sophie*, knew her through work. She and her husband, Ian*, were struggling to have a baby. They had the embryos, but no surrogate. So, even though we’d never met, one day I heard myself saying to Sophie, ‘I’ll do it.’

Keen to help

I was 31, single, and a project manager. I had a daughter, Alex*, then nine, but didn’t want more children.

Two weeks later, Claire and Ian walked into a cafe to meet me. We discussed their journey and why I wanted to be a surrogate. But there was so much we didn’t touch on. Who would be at the birth? How often would we meet? What would happen after the baby was born? It was all either skimmed over or ignored. We briefly discussed the financial side – you can’t pay a surrogate in the UK, except for reasonable expenses.

Ten minutes after I left, my phone pinged. ‘We’d love you to be our surrogate.’ Looking back, it seems insane. I was naive, with a romantic vision of surrogacy: the three of us as a team. That notion blinded me to the warning signs.