When you lose someone you love, the smallest things can catch you out unexpectedly: a song, a meal, a beloved TV show. For me, a few notes from the song Tomorrow from the musical Annie, the smell of pizza, or the sight of a Toy Story character are enough to make a lump form in my throat because they were some of my son Caoimhin's favourite things in the world.
Now, though, they're all I have to remember him by.
Caoimhin was such a longed-for baby. My husband Kieran and I had always wanted lots of children, and along with our other three, Aimee, then 10, Dylan, six, and Aodhan, four, he completed our family when he arrived in November 2014, 12 weeks early.
He only weighed 2lb and had a weak heart and epilepsy, so stayed in hospital to get stronger. Finally, at seven weeks, he came home, weighing just over 4lb. But that was just the beginning of his journey. At three months, doctors were worried about his foot, which was slightly turned in. Tests revealed he had cerebral palsy. We weren't prepared for it, and of course it was devastating, but we knew that dwelling on something we couldn't control wouldn't help anyone, so we did our best to get on with family life.
For a time, things were great. We were a team, and Caoimhin's brothers and sister doted on him, and by 18 months he was running around after them. He had us all wrapped around his little finger and we were happy to allow it, loving his cheekiness.
At three, a specialist at one of his regular check-ups said he suspected Caoimhin could be autistic - and a few weeks later it was confirmed. But still, Caoimhin continued to defy expectations. He started school and loved it, never letting his medical problems get in the way of having fun. I'd watch him at birthday parties tearing around with his friends, without a care in the world. When the time to leave would come, he'd be so upset, having had the best time.
Warning signs
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