I Always Knew I Was Different

Louise Tuley spent years battling an uncontrollable panic before she was finally diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.

- Natasha Harding

Watching my 12-year-old daughter Ruby talk to her friends, I felt a pang. Staring at the ground and fidgeting, she was clearly struggling to interact — and I knew from bitter experience just how hard that was. I’d always had a feeling that I was different.

As a child I never had a best friend, instead flitting from group to group. I found it easier to hang around with boys, who didn’t like to chat endlessly. On the outside I may have seemed outgoing, but I felt as if I had a wall around me.

At home I could be incredibly defiant. I had to be told exactly why I needed to do something or I just wouldn’t do it. It was no use, my mum, telling me to eat vegetables because they were healthy. I had to know why they were good for me or else I’d refuse. If I got told off for something, I couldn't help but feel as though I was being unfairly picked on. Now I realise that wasn’t the case at all.

By 13, more cracks started to appear. I’d find it hard to cope with social situations like sleepovers – being with too many people at once was overwhelming. My heart would race and I’d desperately want to run away.

My anxiety became so bad that at age 17 I went to see my GP, who told me I was depressed and gave me a prescription for medication. Even though I took it, I wasn’t convinced. I didn’t feel depressed, just at odds with the rest of the world.

Once I left school in 1998, I went to college to study for a childcare qualification. After that, I jumped from job to job, working in various shops, as I couldn’t seem to focus on what I wanted to do. All I knew was that I wanted to have children, even though the thought of a relationship scared me.

Tearful and Anxious