The Accidental Caregiver

For my mother, caring for my dad was filled with challenges—and triumphs. My family’s journey has lessons for all of us | My earliest exposure to family caregiving was personal. In December 1980, during my first term at nursing school, my father, Don Polley, was diagnosed with primary progressive MS. Dad was 43 and Mum was 41. Their lives changed forever. Our lives changed forever. About 12 years after my dad’s diagnosis, my mother, Myrna, had to retire from nursing much sooner than she’d planned to become his caregiver at their home in Nova Scotia, Canada.

- Kimberly Fraser

Far less was known about multiple sclerosis at the time, and fewer drugs and interventions were available for symptom management. The condition becomes debilitating over time, but the speed and severity of the disease are different in everybody.

Dad quickly went from his full-time work as a manager at the Nova Scotia Department of Mines and Energy to part-time, until he was fully retired and on a disability pension at 46. Still, he stayed involved with his community-service work, reading his post and watching stocks and bonds. He even took his stockbroker course, but couldn’t write the test because his mind wasn’t as sharp or as quick as it had been.

Over time, he progressed from crutches to a wheelchair. Being in the wheelchair affected his social and community life, and with his general deterioration came fatigue and decreased muscle tone. When his speech was affected, he found it increasingly difficult to hold his head upright without support. Ultimately, he stopped participating in his service clubs and church. It was a sad and significant marker of the effect the disease was having on his life.

Mum and Dad had a solid marriage. They respected each other and showed love and affection openly. They also had no problem saying when they were upset about something, though they very rarely directed it at the other.

My mother was a strong woman, but the life she had enjoyed during the first 20 years of marriage was long gone. As is the case with many family caregivers, Mum’s health was affected by its demands. In addition to developing high blood pressure during her time caring for Dad, she often experienced stomach upset and sheer exhaustion.