AT THE FERTILITY CLINIC, MY PAST CAUGHT UP WITH ME

I SAT IN the fertility doctor's office white walls, bare wooden desk, opaque window-alone.

For a time, I imagined this moment would go exactly like this. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, with or without a partner. That is, until I met Paul two and a half years ago.

I had expressed concern to my primary care physician about turning 35-the benchmark age for "geriatric" pregnancy, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists-and asked for a referral to a reproductive facility in our area. Despite having a partner, my original vision-sitting in a fertility clinic by myself-came true. Paul was called away on an extended work trip. So there I was, merely wanting to assess that everything was in working order, given my age.

The fertility doctor asked about my hobbies. I didn't contain my excitement when I told her how I spend my free time. Like a kid expecting a reward for getting straight As, I rambled about how I started running in high school and that I run marathons every year.

I expected a "good for you" for engaging in a healthy activity or a request for a shoe recommendation. Instead, she asked if I had a history of eating disorders.

I sputtered that I had an undiagnosed eating disorder in college, but that I had been seeing a therapist since 2020, coming to terms with my past and getting treated for briefly falling back on these habits during the pandemic.

As if to test my progress, she said I'd have to limit my running to 30 minutes per workout, five days a week; stop running marathons because of my history of having irregular periods; and gain five pounds before starting fertility treatments or having a baby on my own.

This is the moment I regret-of all the things I could have contested, I just had to zone in on the weight gain.

"Five pounds?" I exclaimed. (For women trying to conceive, it's recommended that their BMI fall within the normal range between 18.5 and 24.9; my BMI was 19.5. Incidentally, the average adult's weight can fluctuate five to six pounds per day.)