How to talk about dying

Death it's the elephant in the room, but tackling confronting conversations about it should be top of your bucket list.

- EVA-MARIA BOBBERT

As far as dealing with death goes, Lisa Gallate inadvertently became an expert very early in life. By the age of 31 she'd lost her sister in a car accident, her first husband had committed suicide, and her fit and seemingly healthy brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. As we speak, she breaks the interview to take a call. Her elderly father is being rushed to hospital in an ambulance after a sudden fall.

"To be honest, I feel like I've been dealing with death all my life," says Lisa, who tackles the subject with admirable eloquence and down-to-earth pragmatism. "I'd much rather not have had the experience of the loss of so many loved ones, but maybe that's why talking about end of life doesn't feel confronting to me. In fact, I've learned that it's the greatest gift that you can give those close to you."

It's not a gift many of us are giving. Research shows that although 90 per cent of people say that talking to their loved ones about their end-of-life wishes is important, only about a quarter of those actually have the conversation. Given that most deaths are expected, experts say we should all make more effort to talk about death for everyone's benefit.

"Preparing for death is complex as it includes cognitive, practical and emotional preparedness," says Professor Lauren Breen, who researches the psychology of grief and loss at Curtin University. "Knowing someone is dying doesn't mean we're automatically prepared for the death. It's hard to be prepared emotionally when we don't know exactly what will happen, when it will happen, or what the loss will mean for us." All the more reason to tackle the topic head-on, according to Dr Breen, because that way you are able to honour someone's wishes when the time comes.