Relight The Flame

Worried that your sex-life has gone off the boil? Dwindling intimacy is common between long-term couples – but there are ways to liven things up again

THERE might be a lucky few who never experience the fizzle, but for most couples who’ve been together for years it’s almost a rite of passage – the realisation that you feel more like roommates than lovers.

You share a bed – and the kids are proof you once used it for something other than sleeping – but these days there’s very little rolling between the sheets. There’s just falling into bed exhausted after a long day and then rolling out of it in the morning to tackle work and kids and chores again.

Vicky* and Bruce*, who’ve been married for 15 years and have two kids, say these days they have sex “about once or twice a month” on average. Vicky nevertheless describes their marriage as strong and regards her husband as her best friend.

Sex is great when they have it but neither misses it all that much and it isn’t an issue, she says.

They’re lucky, experts say. The dwindling of physical intimacy is by far the most common problem reported by married couples – and for many it results in not only a physical but also an emotional disconnect they don’t know how to bridge.

“Couples lacking sexual intimacy are far more prevalent today than we think,” says Karmen Hutton, a Cape Town-based clinical psychologist.

It’s possible for a relationship to survive without sex when the friendship, love and emotional connection are strong enough to make up for the lack of sexual intimacy, she adds.

But if things are one-sided, with one partner wanting sex more frequently than the other, a relationship can flounder.

Here’s what you need to know to navigate this tricky issue.

INTIMACY MATTERS

While sex is important in a relationship, intimacy is the glue that holds it together.

This includes both physical and emotional closeness.