What's the key to a HAPPY MARRIAGE?

Writer Anna Maxted meets a couple who think they have all the answers

- Anna Maxted

A couples therapist once told me that her motto was, ‘A cup of tea gets you sex.’ The 80/80 Marriage, A New Model for a Happier, Stronger Relationship, by husband and wife Nate and Kaley Klemp, echoes this theme. Their concept is, rather than rigid insistence on fairness, you adopt an approach of ‘radical generosity’ – with each partner trying to contribute 80% to the marriage (you excuse the maths) and prioritise shared goals. There’s a chapter entitled Sex-Orgasmic Altruism. The more you give, the luckier you get. So, the cup of tea principle, in effect.

Coincidentally or not, the Klemps are the perkiest couple I’ve encountered in a year. They’re speaking on Zoom from Colorado, and it’s as if lockdown hasn’t touched them. Kaley has auburn ringlets, a dazzling smile and talks fast. Nate, fresh-faced, is more considered. They’re both 41, met as teenagers and have been married for 15 years. If I address a question to them both, Kaley might touch Nate gently on the arm and say, ‘Shall I go?’

They’re an endearing pair. But rather than skip to the climax, let’s begin with their realisation that ‘unbridled individualism’ and petty score-keeping corrode a relationship and that, if love is to last, a more kind, mature approach is required.

When they married, like many couples, they presumed themselves equals. Kaley worked at Deloitte Consulting and had a credit card. Nate was a graduate student at Princeton, making $15,000 a year. He didn’t cook or clean.