CONQUERING YOUR INNER CRITIC

You're able to give everyone else grace when they mess up. But when it comes to yourself? Not so much.

- ALYSSA SPARACINO

THINK BACK to the last mistake you made at work, or a time you felt rejected by someone you cared about, or even the morning you could no longer squeeze into pants you hadn't worn in a while. Now think about how you processed your feelings in that moment. Were you able to acknowledge your disappointment, possibly learn a lesson from it, and move on? Or did you ruminate over what you could have done, what you shouldn't have said, or why you were to blame? Did you spiral? Did the incident nag at you? If so, your inner critic sounds like a real jerk-and it needs a talking-to.

We all have our insecurities. "Most people judge themselves from time to time," says Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Stamford, Connecticut. Self-critique becomes harmful when it sounds more like self-loathing. Rather than telling yourself, I failed at this work project, for example, you think, I'm such a failure. Over time, characterizing yourself in harsh language can have the same effect external negative feedback does: It cements the idea that you're not good enough.

Left unchecked, the bully in your brain can do real damage, lowering your self-esteem and influencing your life choices, says Olivia Verhulst, a New York City-based licensed mental health counselor specializing in trauma. "Your inner voice is the one you hear all day, every day. So it's a voice you're going to believe," she says.