How To Say No!

Living in a pandemic can lead to tricky social situations. Here’s how to set boundaries without feeling guilty

- Lindsay De Freitas

If you’ve always had trouble saying no to people, chances are you’re in a world of pain right now. This pandemic is leading to all sorts of tricky situations where things quickly become awkward.

Take social occasions, for instance.

You’re invited to a braai with a small group of family and friends but you’re really not ready to mix socially, preferring to stay safe at home in your cocoon. You want to say no but there’s just so much pressure.

“It will break Mom’s heart if you don’t show up,” you’re told. “Seeing you will go a long way towards lifting everyone’s spirits,” they say.

And if you’re a people-pleaser, you’ll be full of guilt and torment. You don’t want to cause offence, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and so you usually end up doing what other people want – even if it leaves you full of fear and resentment.

But it’s time to start asking yourself why you’re so accommodating, says author and self-help podcaster Natalie Lue, who calls herself a recovering people-pleaser.

“When we get honest about the ‘why’ behind our actions, it becomes clear how unhealthy it is [to be a people-pleaser],” she says. “The ‘why’ could be because we’re trying to control how others perceive us, or because we feel afraid, obliged and guilty.”

But no one is born a people-pleaser, says Durban-based counselling psychologist Rakhi Beekrum. It’s a coping mechanism – albeit an unhealthy one – learnt over time, she explains.