Is An Open Marriage A Happier One?

What the experiences of NON-MONOGAMOUS couples can tell us about jealousy, love, desire and trust

- Susan Dominus

When Daniel and Elizabeth married in 1993, they found it easy enough to choose a ring for her, but not for him. Daniel, then a 27-year-old who worked in IT, decided to design one himself, with tiny stones placed in a gold band, like planets orbiting in a solar system. He was happy with the ring, and what it represented, until realising that he was allergic to the metal, and as if in revolt, his finger grew red and raw.

A month into the marriage, he took it off and never got around to replacing it.

He and Elizabeth might not tell the story of that ring, with all its obvious metaphorical meaning, as readily as they would if Daniel were, in fact, ambivalent about marriage, so resentful of its boundaries that he found its most potent symbol too toxic to bear.

But Daniel is a softhearted bear of a man, affectionate and affection-seeking, someone who entered marriage expecting, if not everlasting passion, at least an enduring physical connection. He was relieved to find, as the years passed, that he still loved his wife – they kissed hello each time they reunited, they made each other laugh and he was someone inclined to appreciate what he had. They had, by all appearances, a happy marriage.

But as with any happy marriage, there were frustrations. Daniel liked sex, and not long after they were married, it became clear that Elizabeth’s interest in it had cooled. It was not as if she and Daniel never had sex, but when they did, Daniel often felt lonely in his desire for something more – not necessarily exotic sex, but sex in which both partners cared about it, and cared about each other.