'You Are Not HIV, You Are You'

Mixed-status couple, Mandisa and Siyanda Dukashe, open up about their marriage, activism and building their family

- Sisonke Labase

“I met Siya in 2003 at a social gathering when we were still nursing students, and we had a great chat. We then bumped into each other that December and at the first opportunity he got, he told me that he was in love with me. Initially, the feeling wasn’t mutual but I gave him my number nonetheless. He was persistent in his pursuit and such a lovely guy. I felt I wasn’t ready because I had just gotten out of a hectic relationship, but he was so patient, and his character made me reconsider my stance. I had been burnt before when I met a guy to whom I disclosed my HIV status. He promised to love me but ended up rejecting me. Rejection is a painful experience, so I was hesitant with Siya because obviously, ‘once beaten twice shy!’ I had been hurt before. Yet, he continuously showed me that he was genuine. I fell for him and couldn’t picture life without him, but I still hadn’t disclosed my status. At that time, I was already an activist, hosting talks and educating people about HIV/ AIDS. So I decided he’d find out from my next campus talk. Towards the end of February 2004, I disclosed my status to him. I wrote a letter and put it under his pillow before leaving his home one morning. I didn’t want our relationship to be based on dishonesty – it wasn’t easy falling in love and knowing that I was hiding something. He came to see me that night after reading the letter. He told me he knew about my status even before we dated and loved who I was, and it changed nothing. He told me, ‘you are not HIV, you are you’. I