ARCHER TELLS YOU...How To Be a Real man

STERLING ARCHER is the world's greatest secret agent as well as a devastatingly handsome jet-setter, model-banger, and daydrinking enthusiast. And now I'm a noir detective living in the 1940s. Sorry, are you confused because I switched to first person? Well, get over it, because I'm about to give you some invaluable life advice on how to get through this decade- or any decade, for that matter - like a true gentleman.

1 Real men CONFIDE In THEIR BARBER.

PUTTING YOUR FEET UP and airing your grievances as an endearingly old Spanish man lathers your face with a brush made of the finest silver-tipped badger hair is, in a word, therapeutic. Take comfort in knowing whatever you say to him will go to his grave since barbers are just like priests (sans the sexual repression and obnoxious Latin references). Good luck getting any information out of my barber, Adolfo, whose name literally translates to "noble wolf".

2 Real men Keep a spare SHIRT IN THE GLOVE BOX.

STAINS HAPPEN to everyone. If you're a spy, your white button-downs are constantly being soaked, splattered, and smeared with barrel-aged bourbon, blood, and lipstick. And if you're a normal civilian, it's probably, I don't know, pomegranate seeds? In any case, carry an extra shirt around for when those happy accidents do occur. Sometimes I'll even use a spare shirt to shine my car because, for whatever reason, an expensive dress shirt works significantly better than an old dish towel.

3 Real men Know WHEN TO Leave THE PARTY.

THE NEXT TIME you're at a party, scope out the most important person in the room - which, depending on the crowd, could be anyone ranging from Winston Churchill to your older cousin, Dewey, a civil engineer with a severe case of Asperger's. Take note of this person, because once he leaves, so should you. Why? Because you never want to overstay, but you also want to show your host that your presence was not merely a social obligation. This rule goes out the window for barbeques, since we all know barbeques are just anarchy drenched in ketchup.

4 Real men Dress sensibly.