WHEN YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP

It can be tricky figuring out how to relate to your parents when you’re an adult. In this extract from a new book, writer JEN THORPE shares her tips

- JEN THORPE

NO PARENT (and no child) is perfect. The possibilities for your parents to have made mistakes in raising you are endless. It’s not a job that comes with a manual or how-to guide.

Their lives and decisions were informed by what they went through as children and adults, what they knew about how to raise children at the time, the work they had to do, the things they could and couldn’t afford, the political climate, their physical and mental health, emotional intelligence (or lack thereof) and so much more.

In the School of Life essay titled ‘Coping with One’s Parents’ there are many useful takeaways, but in particular these statements: “In a simpler relationship with our parents, we wouldn’t keep trying to get from them things they had evidently shown themselves unable to offer. We would focus, as much as possible, on the few areas where we could be peaceable together. We would be strategic too about where, and for how long, we would meet them. With a clear sense of all that could go wrong, we would be free to focus our attention on the few things that might reliably deliver mutual satisfaction.”

Now wouldn’t that be the dream – just letting the reality of our relationship with our parents be what it is, and trying to find ways to spend time with them pleasantly?

Nobody starts out parenting as an expert. You learn as you go along, and so there are – this is a certainty – times when you will mess up. As a result, having an adult relationship with your parents often requires compassion and boundaries.