No Kids No Problem

More women than ever are choosing not to have children. Here, author Catherine Gray reveals how she came to the decision to remain child-free

‘So, do you have a family?’ my spinning teacher asked, having just told me about her twins. ‘Er, no, I’m just... it’s just me,’ I replied, feeling a stab of self-pity as I said it, and watching sadness flit across her face like a dark cloud. But, here’s the thing – despite what I felt in that moment a few months ago,

I’m not sad. Because I’ve never been sure I even wanted children. Apart from in my twenties, when ‘Of course I’ll have kids!’ was the foregone conclusion. But that was much like the pub-fuelled bravado of ‘Yes, I’ll do a bungee jump!’ even though the reality of swan-diving into a crevasse is colossally different.

Looking back, I spent most of my adult life autopiloting towards baby-making plans because I’d been taught that’s what all women want to do. From the ages of 27 to 30, I was in a serious relationship and we meticulously architected our future kids (Seb and Lola), wedding (Yosemite) and house (next to Lake Annecy). Then that relationship imploded, largely due to my unreasonable behaviour (think the drunkest girl at the party: that was me) and fiscal incompetence (always borrowing money from him). When he dumped me shortly after my 30th birthday, I was still convinced I wanted kids, so I felt as if a flashing red, five-year countdown had been placed over my head. I truly believed that my fertility would take a cliff-dive after the age of 35 (not true, I now know, having dug around in fertility studies).