Who Am I?

Polycystic ovarian syndrome led writer Charmaine Kon to lapse into a funk, which affected the qualities she has long associated with her identity. Here, she writes about her journey to recovery.

I REMEMBER the day I caught my own reflection in my phone’s front camera; I didn’t recognise it. I had made my own yong tau foo for dinner, and was about to take a photo of the platter when I unintentionally enabled the front-facing camera. For months leading up to that moment, I had avoided mirrors, and so looking squarely at my reflection felt like an assault. The person in my camera was difficult to look at. Beyond the acne-ridden complexion and dishevelled hair, my deflated posture gave away my secret...

The symptoms for my condition started to show about a year ago. I developed painful cystic acne on my cheeks and jawline. At first I brushed them off as an odd phase, but they worsened and wouldn’t budge, not for the next year. Soon after, I noticed other changes. I couldn’t think clearly, like my thoughts travelled through slime before they came out as words, a terrifying predicament for a writer. These resulted in anxiety episodes, which led to sleeplessness.