Are You A People-Pleaser? It's Time We Stopped Raising Our Girls To Put Themselves Last

Are we training young girls to be peoplepleasers? This is something I have been thinking a lot as I raise three daughters.

- Pragya Agarwal

It is the end of the school year and, much like any other parent, I have been delighted to hear more about what my six-year-old twins have been doing at school through their end-of-year report. Among other lovely things about them, a phrase stuck out for me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. One of my twins had been commended by her teacher for always being “keen to please”.

Now, yes, absolutely we must be considerate of other people’s feelings, and children have to learn from a young age how to be empathetic. But I don’t want my daughter to grow up trying to please others at the cost of her own comfort.

People-pleasing is a behaviour that stems from the need to find self-worth in our own validation by others. And once children are given the message that this is a behaviour that will be rewarded, they learn that compliance and conformity will be commended, and individuality will not. Over time, they become fearful of disagreement and discord, even when they do not agree with others, and find it diffiult to challenge views that may even be harmful. This is especially problematic when we consider the gendered nature of this expectation.