Do Men Really Not See The Mess?

The answer might surprise you. Journalist and author Gemma Hartley pulls back the curtain to reveal the invisible forces that drive this all-too-common cause of marital strife.

- Gemma Hartley

There was a time, earlier in my marriage, when every morning as I walked into the kitchen I braced myself for the rage and resentment that would well up in me.

Cupboards left open. Dirty dishes in the sink. Coffee cups strewn around the house. And usually a pair of slippers or shoes, with inside-out socks, on the floor somewhere nearby. Even when I had left the house spotless the night before, I’d wake to a scene of disarray — the mess my husband had left behind on his way out the door for work.

I didn’t know which scenario seemed worse, my husband’s consciously expecting me to clean up these messes or his truly not noticing them at all. I found myself silently tallying these small resentments, furious and flummoxed in turn that he seemed oblivious to things that needed to be tidied up around the house. It seemed as if he was always waiting for me to tell him what had to be done, as if he was incapable of noticing the mess himself even when he was creating it.

A friend had a similar complaint: the ever-growing pile at the bottom of her stairs. Laundry, toys, a new package of toilet paper — anything and everything that needed to go upstairs would get piled on the bottom step, waiting for someone (her) to take it all up. Her husband would step over the pile God knew how many times, even after it had become a true obstacle. Did he really not see it?

WHEN STEREOTYPES STICK

Women are often told that men just don’t see mess the way they do, and anecdotal evidence can seem to back that up. But it’s not a difference in brain chemistry that accounts for this selective blindness; it’s the way we’re socialized to react to mess and clutter that causes the difference in feelings of responsibility for keeping the home tidy.