Fathers and sons

Panjim-based writer, and dad to three boys, Vivek Menezes explores the dynamics of modern fatherhood.

AFTER TWO BABY boys as beloved as can be, my wife and I assumed the next one would be a girl. Everyone expected it: our parents and siblings, the cross-cultural web of community that enfolds us in Goa, and every far-flung relative in our close-knit global families. It's what I wanted most sincerely too, because a younger brother is my sole sibling and my mother only had three brothers, while my father is one of another five boys (with two sisters far outnumbered among them). When we were expecting again, this entire tide of heaving masculinity anticipated what we assumed was inevitable, which is when our youngest son emerged into the world. My first reaction was shock and disappointment, and then another unexpected jolt when my entire being seemingly involuntarily flooded with relief. I was hoping for a daughter, but that possibility had obviously caused some pent-up anxieties deep inside me, which disappeared like magic at the appearance of my son. A bit later, there was some guilt as well. Is the patriarchy alive in me as well? Am I part of the problem?