THE FUTURE OF SPERM

ONE CHILDLESS MAN'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE SCI-FI START-UPS, DIY DONOR CLUBS, AND GROUP MASTURBATION RETREATS ATTEMPTING TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE MISUNDERSTOOD APOCALYPSE INSIDE MEN'S BODIES

-  ROSECRANS BALDWIN

SPERM ARE STUPID. They're among the smallest cells in a man's body, single-minded and unwavering. A typical fertile, healthy young man produces over 100 million spermatozoa, or sperm cells, every day. If he doesn't ejaculate, the sperm eventually die and get reabsorbed and that can be frightening. Sperm also can be an ick: for months, when I told people I was working on a story about the state of sperm, I watched women roll their eyes and I heard a lot of men make jokes -usually the Monty Python bit "Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great" before asking more seriously, "But wait, why?"

Because sperm may be stupid, but current research suggests their situation is no joke. In the United States, sexual activity is down. Pregnancy and fertility rates are down. The amount and quality of sperm in American men's semen is believed to be down. Experts I spoke to generally agreed on this, though they said more research is needed a state for which studies have implicated things like ultra-processed foods, forever chemicals and air pollution.

Big names around the world have been sounding an alarm about a fertility crisis, though some seem to be, characteristically, pursuing individual solutions. Earth's wealthiest man, Elon Musk, has at least 11 children. Last September he appeared to publicly offer to impregnate Taylor Swift, to gallantly save her from a childless cat lady's fate. Telegram founder Pavel Durov, who has claimed to have helped over 100 couples conceive through sperm donation, has reportedly offered to finance in vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment at a Moscow clinic for any eligible women who agree to use his sperm. A lot of men, it appears, are obsessed with disseminating their stuff. Thanks to technology and a lack of regulation, even nonbillionaires can realise paternal fantasies once reserved for kings and warlords.