There’s beaucoup news this month about the Class of 1993, topped by the happy tidings that Jack Beckerston, known to most of us as the Beckster, has finally been transferred from the United States Penitentiary in Atlanta to the less rigid Federal Correctional Institution near Marianna, Florida, which he describes as more comfortable than his freshman dorm. The new digs are an easy drive from the Gulf Coast, and the Beckster invites any ’93ers travelling in that area to drop by. (Visitor regulations and hours are available at fedcorrection.gov.) Ever the jokester—he has always maintained that what he refers to as “the socalled Ponzi scheme” was a prank— Jack added a P.S. to his letter which reads, “No hacksaws, please.”
An e-mail from Kimberly Connelly carries the disappointing news that her latest door-to-door beauty product, a cream for fighting cellulite, called CellNo-More, attracted the attention of the Food and Drug Administration, “and not in a pleasant way.” When all was said and done, Kimberly had to file for bankruptcy—her fourth. She plans to start again with a different cellulite fighting formula but with the same motto: “Keep those dimples on your face where they belong.” Investors welcome, as usual.
This story is from the September 9, 2019 edition of The New Yorker.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 9,000+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber ? Sign In
This story is from the September 9, 2019 edition of The New Yorker.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 9,000+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber? Sign In
BADDIE ISSUES
\"Wicked\" and \"Gladiator II.\"
LET'S MAKE A DEAL
\"Death Becomes Her\" and \"Burnout Paradise.\"
ANTI HEROES
\"The Franchise,\" on HBO.
FELLOW-TRAVELLERS
The surprisingly sunny origins of the Frankfurt School.
NOW YOU SEE ME
John Singer Sargent's strange, slippery portraits of an art dealer's family.
PARIS FRIEND - SHUANG XUETAO
Xiaoguo had a terror of thirst, so he kept a glass of water on the table beside his hospital bed. As soon as it was empty, he asked me to refill it. I wanted to warn him that this was unhealthy - guzzling water all night long puts pressure on the kidneys, and pissing that much couldn't be good for his injury. He was tall, though, so I decided his insides could probably cope.
WILD SIDE
Is Lake Tahoe's bear boom getting out of hand?
GETTING A GRIP
Robots learn to use their hands.
WITHHOLDING SEX FROM MY WIFE
In the wake of [the] election, progressive women, who are outraged over Donald Trump's victory at the ballot box, have taken to social media with public, vengeful vows of chastity. - The Free Press.
DEADLINE EXTENSION
Old age, reborn.
