The Success Paradox

What happens when you discover you’re pregnant just as your experiences the true cost of ‘leaning in’ for young women career is taking off?

- Jennifer Savin

Growing up, my best friend was a shy blonde girl named Carina. We met on our first day of school and became welded together instantly. Going for dinner at her house, which always smelled of clean washing and cigarette smoke, was one of my favourite things to do. She was the youngest of four, whereas, at home, I was the only one. Her mum used to buy Milkybar yoghurt pots especially for me, immediately engulfing me into the fold, and I loved the feeling that came with pretending I was part of a busy, bustling family hive. Before I’d even learned how to write my name in joined-up letters, I’d already decided that one day, when I was a proper adult, I’d have four children of my own, too. Three girls and one boy, just like Carina’s clan. I even carted four dolls around with me in a special purple pram, getting practice in nice and early. At five years old, I didn’t know how to tie my shoelaces or plait my hair, but I did know I wanted to be a mother.

Although it’s been years since those dolls were packed away, at the back of my mind, this was still how I imagined my life would eventually play out. Only one day, I discovered that – on paper at least – I suddenly was a “proper adult”. One who, on a rainy Wednesday evening in February last year, found out she was pregnant. I sat on a closed toilet seat in my small south-London flat as my housemate-turned-boyfriend of just three months, Ben, hovered in the doorway. I looked down at the stick. “Oh, f*ck.” There was no rush of elation, urge to protectively clutch my stomach and whisper “thank you” as often happens in films. Instead, it felt like I’d been diagnosed with a tumour.