ENTER THE BEAST

Big, fast and ultra high-performing, Mercedes’ latest offering could make a grown man cry

- ANDREW CHESTERTON

I DON’T CARE how masculine you are. Even if your chest hair is tough enough to cut diamond, your walls are lined with hunting-trophy heads and you shave only with a bowie knife like Crocodile Dundee, there is absolutely no way you won’t find yourself making an involuntary, high-pitched squeaking noise the first time you properly plant a foot in the Mercedes-AMG GLS 63.

It’s not just that it’s staggeringly fast, although it most certainly is that. The new bi-turbocharged 4.0-litre V8 engine under that endless stretch of bonnet, along with the extra oomph on offer from the bonus electric motor, pretty much guarantees it.

It’s not even the sheer size of this thing, even though we’re talking five metres and three tonnes of SUV, and one stuffed with seven seats, giant screens and enough leather to fill the Hellfire Club (may it rest in peace) twice over.

No, what will really have you squeaking like a puppy’s chew toy is when those two factors collide in the middle with all the ferocity of the Earth smashing into the sun.

The fact that something this big and this heavy, can accelerate in the way that it does simply bends the mind. Stand on the accelerator and the GLS 63 lunges into the future like it’s been fired from a gun, chasing down 100km/h in a squeak-inducing 4.1 seconds. That’s faster, for the record, than a Porsche 911 Carrera – and in a vehicle the size of an office block.