Gaslighting 101

Plot twists are great. Theres nothing like getting to the end of a movie or book (think The Girl On The Train) and discovering that the doting, charming husband is, in fact, a deceptive psychological abuser. Makes for enthralling TV but IRL, not so much.

- Christy Chilimigras

The Girl On The Train follows the story of Rachel Watson, a woman tormented by her addiction to alcohol and her inability to move on from a failed marriage to a seemingly perfect man. It’s gripping. Who hasn’t struggled to move on from a past love? The thing about Rachel, though, is that she’s an unlikeable character – a mess. You almost can’t blame her husband for leaving her. After all, she once got so drunk and caused such a scene at his work function that he got fired. She was physically violent when they argued. She was a pretty crap wife in many ways.

Except she wasn’t – because she didn’t actually do any of these things. She only thought she did.

According to Pretoria counselling psychologist Lindiwe Nhlapo, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where false information is given to the victim with the intention of making them doubt their own memory, perception and sanity. Rachel’s husband told her she did such despicable things while intoxicated that he had no choice but to leave her.

The thing about IRL gas lighting is it doesn’t always present in such a dramatic way. It could be something as basic as you catching your man double-tapping an Insta post of a semi-nude woman you’ve never met before, then being made to feel genuinely crazy, possessive or clingy when you verbalise that it makes you uncomfortable.

Identifying the gaslighter

Why gaslight in the first place? Stefanie Bove, a clinical psychologist at Saheti School in Johannesburg, says that it has everything to do with the abuser. ‘Gaslighting is usually perpetrated by narcissistic personalities,’ she says. ‘They require – and prey on – the insecurity of their partner, on whom they project their innermost fears and anxieties.’