What Exactly Is Trauma Bonding?

Read on to learn about the toxic new friendship trait that can inflict emotional abuse and put you in self-doubt.

- Funmi Lijadu

You hold up your relationship like a sacred cow! Sanjana* screamed. “You are so irresponsible for seeing him so much during a pandemic,” she added, face red, and body vibrating. But just a few minutes after her outburst, she approached me smiling, arms outstretched, saying “Hug?”.

This wasn't the first time she had spoken to me so aggressively and then quickly flipped the script. How could someone spout so much venom at me, yet still feel so entitled to my validation? Clearly, we didn't have the promising, close friendship I once thought it was. Instead, I learned that her behaviour fell under a dysfunctional emotional cycle known as 'trauma bonding'—a cycle of manipulative behaviour that amounts to emotional abuse.

WHAT IS TRAUMA BONDING?

UK-based relationship therapist Marie Raleigh defines trauma bonding as an emotional attachment characterised by“ a repeated cycle of devaluation that is mixed in with positive reinforcement. It usually also relies on there being a power imbalance between individuals. Trauma bonding can be present in all kinds of relationships, romantic, platonic, and familial.

Perpetrators often alternate between dishing out praise and invalidating negativity, and trauma bonds are forged gradually over time. Once things start going sour and the abuse worsens, victims can become hooked in the hope of the initial positivity being restored.