How To Manage Mum Guilt

If you’ve ever beaten yourself up for not being a perfect mum, you’re not alone. Eveline Gan finds out why many mothers suffer from mum guilt, and gets expert advice on how to manage it.

- Eveline Gan

For many mums, guilt, self-doubt, and motherhood often go hand-in-hand.

Mum guilt is a feeling of doubt, anxiety, and unhappiness when a mother perceives that she has fallen short of expectations in being a “perfect” parent, says Dr. Karen Pooh, a psychologist at the Department of Psychological Medicine at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital (KKH).

A sense of inadequacy is usually the catalyst, she adds. Most women, Dr. Pooh shares, feel the pressure to be perfect and look effortless while they are at it.

Many mothers choose to portray the highlights of their parenthood on media and social media, and they rarely share their struggles with others on these platforms, she adds. This paints the image that motherhood is easy, which is far from the truth.

“They expect to be ‘natural’ mothers at home, ‘natural’ leaders at work and ‘natural’ beauties, even right after they have given birth. When they do not meet these unrealistic expectations despite their best efforts, they tend to feel guilty,” Dr. Pooh says.

Here, two first-time mums share their biggest motherhood guilt trip and the lessons they learned.

GUILT TRIP

“Did I try hard enough to breastfeed?”

Every breastfeeding mum who has had a bout of mastitis – inflammation of the breast tissue – knows how awful the pain, swelling, and chills can be.

Siow Qin suffered four back-to-back episodes of the severe breast infection, one of which led to a trip to the emergency room.

Yet getting well was not the only thing on the 31-year old's mind.

Even as she struggled with “the most pain” she had ever felt in her life, feelings of guilt and inadequacy took center stage.