I Nearly Shook My Baby To Death

Tess Stimson makes a shocking confession about the struggles she faced as the mother of a newborn

Most mums go through a period of self-doubt, wondering if they are good enough, convinced they are doing everything wrong. For me, that time came when my son was just six weeks old.

I remember rocking back and forth in my rocking chair, my son Matthew in my arms, and just staring at the illuminated figures on the alarm clock by my bed. 3am.

After five hours of non-stop crying, Matthew had finally fallen asleep. I was so shattered I could hardly stand, but within seconds, his eyes opened again and he let out a loud, red-faced wail. Demented with frustration, exhausted and on the verge of hysterical tears, a feeling overcame me that I couldn’t control. One that, when I think about it now, makes me shudder with shame. I had an almost overwhelming urge to fling him at the wall, just to stop the crying.

I held him up in front of me and yelled into his scrunched-up face, fighting the urge to shake him. ‘Why won’t you stop?’ I screamed. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ His sobs redoubled, and terrified of what I might do next, I practically threw him into the centre of my double bed and ran from the room, sobbing uncontrollably. My husband was away working and my eldest son, then three, was fast asleep in his room. It was only when I was halfway down the street in my nightdress and bare feet that the red mist cleared. Crying, I ran back home, to find Matthew had finally cried himself to sleep, none the worse for having been tossed onto the soft, cushioned duvet.

I scooped him up and whispered, ‘I’m sorry,’ over and over again, feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. This couldn’t go on, I realised. I needed to get help.

Constant crying