10 things I know about MIDLIFE

From spurning un attering dresses to spending large sums on posh lipstick, Lucy Mangan has her priorities sorted

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1 DRINKING IS NO LONGER WORTH IT

Simple maths proves it. The amount of alcohol required to obliterate the size and intractability of the problems that face us in midlife is simply too great to be processed by our slowed metabolisms in under three days. By which time, all the large, intractable problems left unmanaged for 72 hours have increased at a geometric rate, which means the amount of alcohol required... well. You get the idea, I'm sure.

2 YOU CAN SWITCH TO PILLS

But only if you're lucky. Modern GPs are very down on patients self-medicating their way to numbness. Even if you tell them it's that or alcoholism. I'm told things were simpler in the old days, when doctors actively encouraged women to become zombie-like dutiful wives and mothers by handing out sedatives like Smarties. But now it's all, 'Deal with your problems', 'Attack root causes', 'Go to therapy'. As if anyone has time, let alone inclination.

3 DEALING WITH YOUR PROBLEMS, ATTACKING ROOT CAUSES, AND GOING TO THERAPY DO ALL WORK

I have friends who have successfully done at least one of each of these things and they are very happy. They are all divorced too. I don't know if this is statistically significant and, if so, whether as cause or effect, but I cannot feel that it is unrelated.