Tackling Christmas CONFLICT

In the season of peace and goodwill to all, bring back the balance and learn to look after yourself as well as others

Have you ever felt that pressure to go along with what others want H in order to keep the peace over Christmas? Do you bite your lip when making plans with your nearest and dearest, or keep all too quiet on the family WhatsApp group for fear of offending someone?

It's a situation many of us fall into at this time of year. But whilst there needs to be a healthy give and take in our relationships, this can be a challenging balance to find alongside societal and family expectations, and even more so when we 'people please' or take on the responsibility of making everyone happy.

People pleasing is a compulsion to look after others at the expense of your own needs and wants. It's particularly prevalent at this time, as its roots are often found in childhood; feeling that a parent's love was conditional, or a parent was emotionally inconsistent or unavailable. So it makes sense that spending more time than usual with your relations, as so many of us do around the festive season, may bring up these emotions. Whilst making other people happy isn't a bad thing, when people pleasing goes into overdrive it can become a well-ingrained pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours driven by a fear of being rejected by others, rather than open-hearted giving.

Persistent pleasing

You can easily spot the signs that you are a people pleaser,' says healthy relationships coach Helen Snape. "These include saying "yes" to demands on your time; feeling responsible for how others are feeling; over-committing yourself; pretending that everything is fine; ignoring how you feel; avoiding conflict; and taking the blame when it isn't your fault.'