'DESIRE IS NOT WHAT MATTERS'

Emily Nagoski wrote the book on women and desire - literally. And then her own sex life dried up. Here's what a prolonged sex drought (and a load of research) taught her about maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship.

- LIESL ROBERTSON

Back in 2014, as sex educator Emily Nagoski was researching, writing and promoting her first book, Come As You Are – a soon-to-be best-selling guide to sex and desire her own sex life screeched to a halt.

‘Ironically, the process of thinking, reading and writing every day about sex made me so stressed that I had zero interest in actually having any sex,’ she writes. ‘For months, nothing.’ The book was published, she went on a book tour, travelled, did talks – and when she came home to her husband, cartoonist Rich Stevens, ‘more months! Of nothing! It went on for so long that eventually I became distanced from my partner and from my own erotic self, knocked down and carried away by the fatigue, overwhelm, health issues and existential crises that seemed to come at me in wave after wave of anti-erotic daily life.’

Perimenopause, a back injury, a crippling bout of long Covid and an autism diagnosis are just some of the things that put a dampener on their sex life.

In case you were wondering what constitutes a drought, keep right on wondering, because Emily refuses to offer specifics, as it only makes people compare themselves. She is, however, open about how it made her feel: ‘Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical. Like, how can I be an “expert” – and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes – and still be struggling in this way?’

Impostor syndrome and bedroom tumbleweeds aside, the experience did actually turn out to be a helpful one: it spurred Emily into action. As a self-proclaimed ‘sex nerd’ with a doctorate in health behaviour and a master’s degree in counselling, she started sifting through the research, specifically looking at questions that eventually formed the foundation of her second book, Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.

What does great sex look like in a long-term relationship? And how do you cope when problems arise?