HOW TO REALLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE

The Korean word 'nunchi' describes 'the ability to be sensitive to other people's moods and thoughts'. It's an underrated skill that we seem to have lost.

- LIESL ROBERTSON

‘We talk about the importance of “relationships”, “community”, “friendship”, “social connection”, but these words are too abstract,’ writes David Brooks in How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. ‘We lack practical knowledge about how to give each other the kind of rich attention we desire.’ Despite a deep, innate need for human connection, many of us are still desperately lonely.

South African stats are hard to come by on something this abstract, but if you look at the US, the numbers tell a clear story about the kind of world we’re living in. Between 1990 and 2020, the percentage of Americans who said they had ‘no close friends’ quadrupled. In one survey, 54% said 'no one' knows them well, and 36% reported feeling lonely 'frequently' or 'all of the time'.

Social media gives us the illusion of connection, minus the actual care and attention involved in having a close relationship with someone. 'On social media, stimulation replaces intimacy. There is judgement everywhere and understanding nowhere," David writes.

Coming from a 'reserved, stiff-upper-lip' household, he has had his own struggles with building social skills, describing himself as a once 'detached' and 'painfully awkward' adult - one who would bolt at the first sign of emotion, intimacy or vulnerability. 'I was a practised escape artist... good at making meaningful eye contact with their shoes and then excusing myself to keep a vitally important appointment with my dry cleaner.'

Over the years, David started to see the pitfalls of that aloof attitude. 'I came to realise that living in a detached way is, in fact, a withdrawal from life, an estrangement not just from other people but also from yourself."